A few notes – I’m not sure if these things are widely known, so here
is a handy glossary
Biccie – corruption of biscuit, British for cookie
BAFTA - British equivalent of an Emmy – but being British it is
both more pompous and more tawdry
Snout – a cigarette in cockney
Veras – Vera Lynn’s : skins (i.e. cigarette papers in cockney
rhyming slang)
MEMO
TO Mr Percy Weasley
FROM The Executive Producers Office @ The Double Cross
RE The Making of…Harry Potter and the Double Cross
Regarding your recent proposal to make a short documentary featurette.
We agree that concentrating on the technical aspects of the show does
have more promise than your previous efforts and hopefully will counteract
the ethical problems thrown up in that particular case. Further to this we
would suggest that you avoid interviews with members of the cast altogether
for the most part: In particular Mr Potter who had cause to make a formal
complaint after your last foray into television presenting. We ask also
that, during your filming, you bear in mind Mr Potter’s last directive that
no member of cast or crew ‘look him directly in the eyes’ or ‘turn their
back to him when leaving his presence’.
However we are happy to grant you free access to all technical areas for
your filming and look forward to the results.
Regards
Executive Producer
Harry Potter and the Double Cross
The Making of Harry Potter and the Double Cross
A documentary featurette written, directed and presented by Percy Weasley
TRANSCRIPT
[INT Percy and Draco trailer]
Percy: Hi, Percy Weasley here. Boo! Ahaha. No, I’m fine really. Don’t be
scared. Welcome to ‘The Making of The Double Cross’ a sneaky peek behind
the scenes at all the tireless unseen boys and girls, who iron our clothes,
build our sets and even [whisper] comb our wigs.
[Removes wig]
Oh, I know, I’m not a natural redhead. Well that’s your first exclusive
and there are a few more to come. [winks]
[F/X Knocking]
Percy: Well who could this be? Come in Adrienne.
[Enter Adrienne]
Adrienne: Hi Perce, ooh another telly thing. Here’s your tea, by the
way.
Percy: Thank you petal
Adrienne: So what’s this one about Perce?
Percy: Um, well, the suits kind of thought the last one was a
bit, um, ‘controversial’ so this time I’m going to do the backstage
stuff, you know, hair, make up, costume, stunt team, special effects all
that…
Adrienne: Oh Perce, sounds lovely. Do you want a biccie?
Percy: Ooh, they look lovely Adie but I can’t…a moment on the lips and
all that.
Adrienne: Oh Perce, do not start. *You* do not need to go on a diet.
Percy: Only because I turn down your biccies love
Adrienne: Well, I’ve gotta go now sweetie. I want to finish my batique
before the garrotting scene
Percy: Bye love [to camera] Anyway, now so lets begin our journey behind
the scenes and under the covers. [winks]
[/CUT TO/ INT CORRIDOR OUTSIDE WARDROBE DEPT.]
Percy: Inside this door is the ‘hothouse’ of the Double Cross, where the
vital decisions are made about who gets to wear the Versace jeans and who
gets stuck with the Dior frocks. This is the place where they know where
the DCD buy their hats and what Voldie wears under his robes. And…
[Wardrobe dept. door opens. Enter Hermoine]
Percy: Oh, Herm, darling, have you been having a fitting
Hermoine: No Perce, I’ve been giving them a piece of my mind
Percy: Oh, Herm, why love?
Hermoine: Because Perce, I have told them a million times about these.
[Holds up a pair of shoes] And they will not listen.
Percy: Your shoes, Herm, but what’s wrong with them? They’re lovely, and
they really suit you too.
Hermoine: Yes but they’re lace ups Perce. Lace ups! And, well, I’m just
sick of having to get people to fasten them up for me. [Throws shoes on
floor. Storms off]
Percy: Right well. I think that’s covered wardrobe. Next stop, just down
the hall. Make up.
[/CUT TO/ INT MAKE UP]
Percy: Well here we are in the ‘hothouse’ of the double cross. Make up
effects. Now on the Double Cross there’s far more to make up than
sharpening Draco’s eyeliner making sure Remus doesn’t run out of chapstick.
We have rather more specialised requirements than your average soap, or
long running drama serial as I *should* say. And to show you what I mean
I’m talking here to the BAFTA award winning Director of Bodily Fluid
Effects: Frank. Thank you so much for showing me around.
Frank: ‘S nuffin, Perce, ‘m glad of the company.
Percy: Oh thank you darling, you’re too sweet. So what have we here?
Frank: Well, ‘s blood mainly that I deal wiv, some tears an’ snot an’
stuff, but blood and, of course semen that takes up most of my time.
Percy: Really, well that must raise a few eyebrows at dinner parties.
Frank: Well, ‘snot really my scene Perce, but dawn the pub some of the
lads have a bit of a larf about it yeah.
Percy: So looking at Blood first, how much blood do we get through around
here?
Frank: Now Perce, it does vary from episode to episode, but roughly ’s about
27 gallons. O’ course what a lotta folk don’t know is that there is around
8 different types of yer fake blood.
Percy: 8! Goodness gracious and I thought it was just that red stuff.
Frank: A lotta folk do Perce, but it’s far more complicated than that. For
example in this ‘ere blue tank, we have yer general purpose, splash it all
over, violent torture scene blood, [removes some with ladle / quick close up]
nice an’ red an’ dribbly, shows up well in camera. And this stuff ‘ere this
is yer squirty blood, when you want it to shoot straight out of the ‘ydrolics,
like an artery ‘as been sliced. Yer see, it’s much less thick an’ that so
it don’t clog. We ‘ave dried blood – that’s obvious, blood with sort of
bits and lumps in, we chuck that around on the floor, splattery blood,
slimy blood and here, this is quite special: fake blood yer can eat – ‘s
non toxic and strawberry flavour, or cherry sometimes for a bit of
variety, like - and of course, this rather greasy blood – for lubrication
an’ that. I’m sure you’re familiar with this one Perce.
Percy: Oh actually no, love, that wasn’t actually me. Body double don’t
you know. No nudity clause. [winks] I’ve got a very good agent. Anyway can
we move on honey, I’m starting to feel quite unwell. Shall we look at semen?
Ah ha, well, in a manner of speaking.
Frank: Course, yeah, well we do get fru quite a bit of that too, ‘bout,
12 pints on average
Percy: Wow, that is a lot. Now it is for semen that you won your BAFTA isn’t
it
Frank: Well yeah, ‘s bit embarrassing, yer know, but I did, yeah. Well
because of the, um, requirements of the show, I’ve ‘ad to become something
of an expert in the making up yer fake semen.
Percy: Ha. I bet you didn’t expect that when you took the job.
Frank: Well it was a bit of a shock when I got the needs list on the first
day: 2 pints artificial semen, must be washable, must be non-toxic, I
did wonder what the lads in the pub would say about that, but I’m used to
it now. Of course in the early days back in the fifties they’d just use
basic wallpaper paste wiv a touch of egg white but today’s audiences are
so much more demanin’, yer know? Yer couldn’t get away wiv that sort of
fing nowadays, Perce. In fact once I buggered up and got the consistency
slightly wrong and we got so many letters about it. The fings people
notice!
Percy: Well, I’m sure the question on everybody’s lips – in a manner
of speaking – is what flavour do you make the artificial semen. I hope
you don’t take your commitment to realism to much to heart there.
Frank: Oh no, Perce, that’d be disgustin’. It’s banana actually.
Percy: Well yum yum. And thank you, that was fascinating
[/CUT TO/ INT STUDIO BEHIND HARRY’S TRAILER]
Percy: Shhh, we have to be very quiet because we’re here behind the
‘hothouse’ of The Double Cross, Harry’s trailer. He’s in there right now.
And we’re talking to Harry’s personal masseuse, Helmut. Hello Helmut.
Helmut: Hallo Perce
Percy: So as Harry’s masseuse you must see a side of him no one else does.
Helmut: Ya, Perce, his backside. Heh heh heh. Actually no, not really he
is just as much of a prick to me as he is to everyone else.
Percy: Oh fuck, cut.
Harry [Out of shot]: Helmut, where the fuck are you, I’m feeling very tense.
Helmut: Gotta run Perce, you know how it is
Percy: I certainly do
[Cut to / INT Percy and Draco Trailer]
Percy: Well wasn’t that truly interesting, I bet you didn’t know
how complicated it could get around here. Well, bye bye now and don’t
have nightmares…..And cut
[F/X lavatory flush. Enter Draco]
Draco: Hi, Perce love, what are you doing
Percy: Oh just the top and tail for my little documentary series, angel,
how are you?
Draco: I’m okay, Harry’s insisting we reshoot the whole of the last scene
we did because they didn’t use his special filter on the camera for his
close ups
Percy: Oh you poor love.
[Door open’s. Enter Narcissa]
Percy: Hi Narci, darling
Draco: Narce! How are you?
Narcissa: I’m fine boys, really fine. It’s a piece of piss this acting
lark innit? But I’m gasping for a snout. Either of yous got any veras?
THE END
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